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Destroyer of Nations

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been a while [Nov. 28th, 2013|12:01 am]
Destroyer of Nations
I haven't written here in a long time. I logged in to check out some of my old entries, to see how I felt about some things in my past, but I didn't find what I was looking for. I was wondering about some experiential details of an old relationship, but apparently I didn't record those feelings here. It doesn't really matter, I know what I feel now, and that's what's important.

Been painting. Addicted to it. Screwing myself by staying up and writing this. It's gonna be hard to wake up early enough to paint, maybe I will anyway.

It's easy to write some neurotic bullshit about not feeling good enough with my painting. That's stupid. It's dumb to compare for all the usual reasons. An impressionistic portrait is not a realistic portrait, and the same is true the other way. An amateur portrait is not the same as a professional portrait--and a professional portrait also lacks something an amateur portrait has. There's no sense in comparing. Comparing only distracts from the present moment, from the process.

The real joy doesn't come from the final product, it's from the process. The goddamn process. All that bullshit about the journey being more important than the destination--not bullshit after all. Fuck.

These paintings go through many phases. Maybe it starts off orange and yellow and ends up purple and blue. That happens most of the time. I commented that it's not very efficient. Alex pointed out that efficiency isn't the goal. Goddamn right it isn't.

I'm working on the biggest project I've seen to completion in a long time. It's just taking up a lot of time, not sure how many hours I've put into it so far, doesn't really matter. I worry about that sometimes, then I remember that it's not about the time. Maybe I put weeks of time into it--doesn't matter. Even if I were doing it for the money, it doesn't matter how much time goes into it. I can't think like that without corrupting the process.
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