Night On the Sun

primer

Sun, 03 Jan 2010 23:21:21 GMT

Steve and I watched Primer the other day. It made me feel insane. I'd sort of space out for a second, and when I regained attention, the scene had changed beyond recognition. It's an amazing movie that you could probably watch a hundred times and still find interesting. Maybe it's not amazing. But it was a pleasure to watch.

I finally sat down and painted. It was either that or play with some server software on VMWare. The server is just kind of a fantasy I'm entertaining.

I was going to sit down and paint something non-sense, an old man probably. But then I put on that painting mix and decided to work on something more serious. I am deciding now to spend the rest of the night painting the big canvas.

I do feel some distress about this painting mix. I feel weird about starting too many sentences with "I". I think about making a new painting mix. I tried that before, and it turned out to be only a temporary painting mix. None of the songs are still interesting to me, while this original mix is never boring. It's also 266 songs and 1.39 gigs. It's got Meat Loaf.

the knife

Sun, 27 Dec 2009 19:41:57 GMT

I hadn't heard the Knife until I met Ilse's friend Kyle in DC. I think I'd heard of them when I was reading about Fever Ray. The Knife is like a brighter (yet still pretty dark) Fever Ray. They still do all the same vocal effects. Thinking of it now, Fever Ray kind of reminds me of Burial... maybe it's just the mood.

There is a hard drive sitting next to my chair, begging to be hooked up. I've put it off for the last couple days because the SATA ports on my motherboard are nightmarish. Even pulling the motherboard out of the case helps not at all. So I'm putting off the inevitable struggle, although it's not really necessary right now. I still have a few free gigs to play with.

It's that time of my vacation to get some things going. I must must must paint. There are 2 paintings over there that I could finish in a couple hours. Then I listen to Black Mountain and I want to play guitar. I listen to Henry Rollins and I want to go work out. I hang out with Steve and I want to do kung fu. This big jumble of restlessness. It's great. I love to be restless, to be overwhelmed by so many things I want to do. It is the opposite of boredom.

I have to work out first. Then I will paint. R+B got me a Blick gift card for annual gift day. I'm thinking of getting some water-soluble oils (i.e. not-oils). It's a matter of cleanliness. Maybe I will be cheating myself by not getting normal oils, because I will be missing out on the nature of oils.

The old oils I have are now 11 or 12 years old. There is no way they're still normal. I mean, they're probably not meant to be of that aged consistency. They're sticky and thick and uncooperative. Neighbor gave me a box of oils she bought. Maybe I'll just buy some brushes, a handful of throwaways, and play with those oils. I've got some linseed oil and medium. I need some paint thinner. And a big waste jar. I'm afraid I'll fall in love with this medium, and then kick myself for not exploring it years ago.

snow'd

Mon, 21 Dec 2009 13:46:58 GMT

i got to dc amid rumors of legendary snowfall. after finding reassurance in the amtrack lady's belief that a little snow wouldn't stop a powerful train, i made my way to baltimore. andrea took me out for afghani food, delicious. oatmeal cookies. met some bmore medicine residents who were very cool. snow. crashed lexus suv, suburban, some cars. less than an inch of snow, but dc is apparently the south.

slept like a baby wrapped in blankets. awoke, sore. a billion feet of snow. walked miles to breakfast, blizzard outside, like some urban lord of the rings. biscuits and gravy for the second time in my life. chicken with eggs, like blasphemous beef and dairy.

walked for hours in the blizzard. no cabs. all full. waited for light rail, waited for hours. found one finally, somehow. amtrack. trains wont be stopped by some silly snow, only slowed.

the ride was also of legend. white-out. i update latitude in case of derailment, they will find us somehow, in the frozen suburban wilderness.

dc. finally. ilse also had to wrestle the metro. she won. i won too, after long battles.

straight to becky's house. feet of snow. still snowing, 18 hours now. becky is... spunky? energetic? unpredictable? i liked her.

all of ilse's dc friends are amazing. kind of a fluke meeting them. gotta talk to people, be outgoing, she's done well. they are really good people.

party was great. we watched the yule log channel on tv, there are credits at the end. we watched it 6 or 7 times. i am amused that some people like christmas music.

yesterday we had to abandon the schedule, snow ruined the government. up to 2 feet. amazing afternoon. brunch, poached eggs with salmon. brie and crab omelette. malcolm x park. music. pizza. apples to apples.

at the airport 3 hours early. chaos. if your flight gets canceled for any reason, you're in dc until wednesday. that would be fine, except that i'm bursting with ideas to paint. flight in like 45 min. a plane just got stuck in the ice. please please please no problems. magical thinking.

wintery religious holiday vacation

Mon, 14 Dec 2009 18:19:21 GMT

This new painting is coming along pretty quick. The girl's arm and neck are mostly finished. The hair and background are still in the air...

I'm heading to the gym in a minute, then maybe get some coffee and read a book. Yeah that's a plan. I've got this book of Chinese poetry, it's a text book I think for a class, and it's amazing. It has the Chinese characters, pinyin, translation, and explanation. That's pretty much what made the poetry class at Beida so great.

So I've got a bunch of Alan Watts books sitting here too. In the hot madness of philosophical fascination I ordered them. They are old books. One was published in the early 1950s. The pages are frail and brittle. I broke the spine on accident by opening the book less than 90 degrees. Frail.

text monster part 2

Sat, 05 Dec 2009 21:32:13 GMT

I don't know what this say about people in general, or if it only says something about one person in specific, or maybe it only says something about my own limited experience and biased observation.

Connection flight from Burbank to SFO. The stewardess walks through the aisle before takeoff, to make sure we're all obeying her instructions. Guy behind me still has his headphones on. I can hear the music. Stewardess asks him to turn off his iphone, the source of the music. He says, "Oh, it is off." She continues on her way, and on her way back, she stops again, "Sir, you need to turn that off."

"It is off," he insists.

He argues with her for a minute then finally concedes, "Well, it's in airplane mode, so that's good enough."

"No you need to turn it off," she insists.

"Okay, fine, it's off," he says. She turns around and he adds, "Not that I even care."

I turn around to get a look at this guy. His voice sounds old, but he's acting like a child. He's a normal looking middle aged dude.

the southwest

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 20:10:01 GMT

at a starbucks in vegas, entering this post via phone, tediously thumbing in each character. i ought to wait til i can type this up proper, with a computer and all 10 fingers... 8 fingers and 2 thumbs.

albuquerque is a strange city. its huge, spread out, 500-800k people, depending who you ask, but it is quiet. even during the day, late morning tuesday, only saw a few people out despite the numerous bars, restaurants, stores. maybe i was just in the quiet part of town. very cool people, all of them chill, just laid back beyond belief.

now, vegas. vegas is 2 cities. vegas is vegas, and vegas is the strip. the strip is disney, all plastic and money and glam. it's a circus. i cannot suspend my disbelief, i feel like i don't belong there. i'm more interested in the technical side of the experience. the cameras, security, the statistics, the staggering amount of intention on the part of the casinos. the carpet is that way for a reason, the faucet is that style with some ulterior motive. it's maddening. i want to understand it.

now, i'm in real vegas. it's a normal city. cute baristas, normal prices for coffee, a comic book store. i feel at ease here. there are places to sit without slot machines. music is tango nuevo here, i am impressed. need lunch. interview tomorrow. they're fun. they're really fun when the programs are good and exciting and it doesn't feel like they are hiding something or spinning their shortcomings. i appreciate the honesty. most of them have been honest, as far as i can tell.

sf tomorrow night. gonna be awesome.

mind reading

Tue, 10 Nov 2009 19:39:25 GMT

These practice questions... I've gotten to a good place with them, able to reason through a lot of them without knowing the answer right off. It's a strange feeling, like I'm seeing into the nature of the questions. I'm delusional. The exam is on Thursday. I need to feel like a genius wednesday night.

I'm planning out this adventure for next week. It's a wild mix of flying and driving and gambling. I'm still averse to flying out of Moline, in case it starts snowing... I'm still bruised about driving to that airport after the ice storm.

I feel cautiously optimistic about last week's exam. I have forgotten it mostly. And I read about some of the terrible mistakes people have made and it made me feel better. Still can't be totally flippant about it yet... not until I've got a big fat PASS on my record.

I am like 50 pages into Neuromancer. It's awesome. and it's terrible. It's gritty and dirty and rough. I'm just hoping for it to get nice and bright and happy, like maybe they'll get on a train and be like, "Hey, here's a part of the world our technology hasn't ruined! Let's check it out!" Makes me wonder if cyber-punk just isn't my genre.

anx-----

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 02:29:12 GMT

I am nervous.

This may have something to do with all the coffee I've been drinking.

This may have something to do with the big exam I have tomorrow. Big exam. 8 hours long. 8 hours of interviewing and examining fake patients, writing notes, coming up with a list of possible diseases and a list of ways to rule in or rule out those diseases. Also, this exam costs $1000 to take. You can only take it in 5 cities in the US. And if you fail, you have to drop another $1000.

97% of Americans who take it pass. I've heard probably 20 or 30 stories of people who messed up the exam really badly, forgetting to wash their hands or forgetting really obvious diagnoses, and they still passed. Then I read 1 single story from a guy (who might be lying) who did everything right and still failed.

The mind kind of gets stuck on that single odd-ball story.

So I remind myself that I'm not an idiot, that I can talk to people, that I can come up with a good list of problems and tests. I can write a note. I haven't needed my inhaler for years, there's no reason I will need it tomorrow.

Ilse shared a story with me. It was gorgeous. I want to make things. I will make lots of things in 9 days, after the big exams are done.

Everything will be awesome. Tomorrow will be awesome. I look forward to that breath of fresh air when I leave the testing center.

new in town

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 17:13:08 GMT

last night I went to a thai restaurant for dinner. it was this little hole in the wall place, completely empty at 5pm except for me and the little old lady who runs the place. sat down, filled up on pad see ewe. after i paid, the old lady asked if i was new in the neighborhood.

i've been thinking about that a lot since then, about how communities within a metropolis form, about how people d4cide where to eat/study/get coffee/whatever. maybe they stay in their own neighborhoods, frequent mainly nearby establishments. it's hard to know, cuz iowa city is so small,it's no problem to go from one side to theother.

and in beijing, we crossed the city on a daily basis, without anything else to do except go find adventure.

postponing.

Sat, 31 Oct 2009 19:30:48 GMT

Really, I wish I had taken these exams back in June. Fine fine, there are lots of good reasons to have put them off this long, yes, that's true, I just want to start doing all the stuff I've been putting off.

Like painting more. I painted a bit yesterday. It was enormously satisfying. Put down the first coat of an old man, put down some more dreads for the triad. The new dreads are so interesting to me that I'm going to re-do all the other dreads in the picture. This is why paintings take so damn long.

I was flipping through Bukowski's Slouching Toward Nirvana and I realized it's not the book I really wanted to order. There is one particular poem I REALLY wanted to read again, and it must be in a different book. I will have to start a small Bukowski collection if I am to find it.

Studying all day. All weekend. All the days until Wednesday. I will rock this exam.

Oh, and I'm glad i studied as much as I did for derm... that exam was really hard.

skin. ew.

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 18:24:41 GMT

Derm exam today. I just blasted through the notes for the second or third time. Second and a half. Then the mailman knocked on my door and delivered some books and 4 GB of RAM.

I'm gonna paint after the exam. This triad could use a lot of work, but I have a mind to start a new old man. Just something old and wise and turbaned.

This weekend is for the books. Gotta get through some studying for Wednesday (the marathon exam part 1 of 2). I guess you pass if you can speak English, but I don't want to be that 1% that fails despite fluent English.

I hope the rain holds off until 3.

I could use a coffee.

CHI

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 14:39:51 GMT

I think I'm driving to Chicago on Sunday. I haven't driven there for a long
time. I can't believe how often I drove there during those first couple
years of college.

Whenever I think of the good stuff in China, I really want to go back. It's
hard to remember the stuff that turned me off. I'd really just like to go
back and experience studying abroad again. That was an incredible year.

I've got a stack of books lined up to start in mid-November, after these
exams are done. Gibson, Lovecraft, Bukowski. They're at the top.

ott and watts

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 21:28:41 GMT

I'm rocking out Ott right now, studying for the ortho exam, and he sampled some familiar Alan Watts into one of his songs. I think it's from early in his Out of Your Mind series, but I'm not sure.

I think that has something to do with my not-painting lately. I've been listening to lectures about hematology and GI diseases and treating endocarditis. Normally I'd be listening to Alan Watts and Tmac and even Dan Bern or NMH, which I think really contribute to intense introspection and result in painting.

Instead these educational lectures lead to me getting a few more practice questions right. That's kind of what I'm valuing right now, rocking these exams and getting residency lined up. It's good. I just miss painting. I will paint tonight.

marxy

Thu, 08 Oct 2009 13:25:49 GMT

I've been reading that Georges Politzer book, a few paragraphs before bed,
for the last couple months. He presents a fascinating and convincing case
against philosophical idealism and metaphysics. And I have to agree with
him because solipsism (an extreme of idealism) is kind of terrifying.

But last night I got to his arguments for dialectical materialism, and I was
very disappointed. Of course, this was written and compiled by his students
in the 1940s (Politzer was killed by the Nazis in the 30s I think), so they
were working with the 1940s scientific understanding. And perhaps their
examples of dialectical reasoning are imperfect.

Well. They compare an apple and a pencil. An apple grows from a bud and
becomes an apple then falls from the tree and rots. And a pencil comes from
a board that was cut from a tree. He (or they, his students) points out
that an apple falling from the tree and rotting is the natural course of
action for the apple, because it is a result of the apple's own internal
forces, while a tree getting turned into a pencil is unnatural and a
result of external forces being applied to the tree.

Either I am missing their point, or their philosophy is flawed. An apple
rots because of bacteria, a force external to the apple. Does an apple rot
in a sterile environment? I don't know, I don't know anything about apple
biology.

Chimps use sticks as tools. Deer ruin the bark on trees with their antlers
(I don't know why they do it). Octopuses use rocks to break open shells.
Humans turning trees into pencils is pretty much the same thing, only more
precise.

I must be missing something from their argument, because they seem really
big on pointing out that dialectical materialism relishes in the complexity
of nature.

orthopod

Mon, 05 Oct 2009 17:59:08 GMT

Started ortho today. It's cool. I saw a dude with tuberculosis in his
hand.

Clinic in 10 minutes. There's a ringing telephone nearby. I usually hang
up after 5 rings. This phone has been ringing for 5 minutes. Weird.

I slept great last night. Had a dream about sailing. It was great. I have
never sailed anywhere. We fished in the ocean. It was lovely. I have
never fished in the ocean.

"jewness"

Fri, 02 Oct 2009 15:41:34 GMT

I'm at a coffee shop, studying for ophtho. I just heard a lady nearby exclaim (nearly shout even!) "Your Jewness is determined by your mother!" I felt annoyed because everyone knows this.

But then I had to wonder about that rule or law or whatever people call it. I guess it's a tradition more than anything. So I wondered about that tradition, and I wondered if the tradition was in place to protect the belief system from invaders. Even if the Mongols invade and kill all the men and run off with the women, the women might still believe that their children are Jewish and not, uhhh, Genghis Khanists.

More than pondering explanations for matrilineal belief systems, I ought to be studying. Exam is in 3.5 hours. I have lots to learn.

numberwang

Fri, 25 Sep 2009 19:31:41 GMT

I had a dream that I was hanging out with the guys from the Mitchell and Webb show. They were just talking a lot and I really wanted to ask them what the deal with "NumberWang" was. But I didn't have the opportunity because they were so verbose.

Ophtho is awesome. I saw a couple eye surgeries yesterday. It was terrifying. And awesome. I saw a two cornea transplants, which were especially awesome because Dave had that done a few years ago. These people are awake the entire time. Terrifying. But they handle it incredibly well. I mean, at first the one lady was nervous, but then they gave her some propofol and she chilled out and didn't seem to mind and afterward she was incredibly calm and relaxed.

I am really interested in physics lately. I'm curious about the nature of sub-atomic particles. I am curious about the nature of protons and electrons and neutrons. I want to see those things at higher resolution. I want to know why matter and energy were so inclined to come together in such a way as to create protons. And not just a few times, but for EVERYTHING. Everything is made of protons and neutrons and electrons. This makes me feel incredibly confused. I need to read some books about physics.

gnosthe seauton

Fri, 18 Sep 2009 19:43:12 GMT

My nephew got out of the hospital yesterday. He was his usual self. The pictures and the video are gruesome; he was very pleased.

I'm not quite sure how to properly use a semicolon.

I was walking home this morning, thinking about things, and maybe it was because of some philosophical text messages Gabe sent that I thought of "Know Yourself". I still remember Prof Finamore using that sentence to teach us greek grammar. I don't know if he had a PhD, but I always just called him Professor to be safe.

Anyway, I was thinking about "Know Yourself", and I thought about Alan Watts, and it seemed a bizarre thing to try to "know yourself". It seemed bizarre, because it implies that the knower is not the same as the thing that ought to be known (maybe we could call this the known? or the knowee?). The knower and the knowee are the same entity.

Research elective ended well. It has me wondering what kind of research would be best suited for my personality.

kind of gross

Wed, 16 Sep 2009 22:12:15 GMT

Story: Spencer got punched in the face by another kid. Spencer's frontal sinus was broken by the kid. Spencer had surgery yesterday and he asked the surgeons to take a picture of it. They took a video of it. I haven't seen it yet, but apparently they peel his skin off. He is doing fine and is annoyed that he has to stay in the hospital for another day. I imagine he'll use the pictures for his facebook profile.

the doors and brains

Sun, 13 Sep 2009 20:54:21 GMT

1) I had never heard The Doors' LA Woman until last night. It was on my ipod, and Z put it on while we were driving back from Ottumwa. It is amazing.

2) Dr. H had me read an article explaining a technique for measuring the thickness of gray matter in the brain. In that article, the authors point out that the sensory areas of the brain (in general) have the thinnest gray matter. That doesn't mean those parts of the brain have fewer neurons, but it is sort of implied. I find this fascinating. Our lives are defined by perception. It seems silly to even try to describe how much we love perception. Now that I come to think about it, it's as if we are perception. Without any sort of perception, we have no way to communicate with others, we are left as a head full of trapped thoughts.

Given the importance of perception in living a life, it seems strange that those parts of the brain would be among the thinnest.

The most variable (and sometimes the thickest) parts of the brain are those used for integration. That's the missing piece of that puzzle. It's not sensory input per se that we love, it's what we do with those perceptions, it's how we understand them--that's what is important to us.

climbing

Thu, 10 Sep 2009 18:13:49 GMT

My Step 2 practice exams keep getting better. I will heed superstition and hope not to jinx anything (I need to get over this). It is a relief. I have learned something after all.

There is an XKCD comic about Led Zeppelin, about how in the 30-some years since they've made music, we've hardly seen anything comparable to it. I was listening to Dark Side of the Moon while doing these practice Qs, and I realized that that music is 36 years old. 36 years. How much of the music that will come out this year will still be amazing in 36 years? It's kind of... I want to say it is frustrating, but really it is inspiring. It kind of nudges me into a creative state of mind. I want to model that behavior. I want to make something amazing.

I haven't painted in probably a month. Maybe 2 months. I have intentions to paint tonight. There is an old man to finish for Andrea. And then there is something to make for Ilse, which I have not found yet but maybe i can start it tonight anyway. Then there's the triad, with hot-dog color hair right now... I need to move their hair around a bit, make it more natural.

Ah, research. I will read through this article a couple more times today. These articles are challenging. That's all I have to say about them right now.

why hello!

Wed, 09 Sep 2009 22:05:02 GMT

Hello, old friend! It has been a while, hasn't it? Like, a week. Or less than a week! But it feels like much longer.

Sent out a bunch of applications. Well, 1 single applications that was then sent (I presume) to a bunch of places. It's an exciting and anxiety-inducing time! Exciting mostly, but there is a bit of anxiety, I can't lie.

I'm looking for a gift for Monte and his wife-to-be. DC is going to be awesome. Can't wait to see everyone.

Studying for the boards is going awesome. Listening to lectures every day, doing well on the practice Qs, hopefully the real thing goes as nicely.

Nothing insightful to post today. I'm just chilling, enjoying life, it's really amazing. This research elective is great. I got a ton of articles to present to Dr. H on Monday, reading about MRIs right now. As much as I like it, I don't think neuroimaging research is something I want to do for a living. I think I'd be more interested in clinical trials.

loud keyboard

Tue, 01 Sep 2009 15:51:59 GMT

this keyboard clicks loudly, like an old typewriter. even people down the
hall can hear that i'm typing. each keystroke is a hammer hitting a board.
i am causing a ruckus.

the research elective month is amazing so far. learning a ton about
schizophrenia and mental illness. just amazing. there is so much we don't
know. there is very little we do know. it's kind of like... a million
tiny fractions of the whole are being described by all these different
researches, all different pieces of a puzzle, but there are missing pieces,
and even if you coudl put it all together you're left with only one piece of
an even bigger puzzle. it's wild.

following a research subject today. gotta finish up the methods section of
a manuscript tonight... just like 3 pages double spaced, i can totally do
that, it's just challenging in a totally new way. gotta think in ways i
have never thought before.

the residency application can be submitted today. mine is done, but i'm
nervous abuot submitting it because you can't change it after you submit
it. what if i forgot something? made a mistake? gotta go over it again
this afternoon, then just do it. it will be fine.

research

Tue, 25 Aug 2009 13:55:16 GMT

Started this research elective yesterday. It's awesome. I mean, especially
after a month of surgeries, this is just great. Even if I'd been doing a
month of psych before this, I think this would still be awesome. The doctor
gave me a stack of articles to read, and that was that. So now I'm just
blasting through articles. There is a series of articles summarizing what
we know about schizophrenia, written by these old and wise psychiatrists,
like dudes who have studied this stuff for DECADES. You can tell these guys
know a ton about schizophrenia, because they're really adamant that there is
TONS of stuff that we don't know and they ask probably hundreds of
questions. It kind of makes me want to do research. But then I don't
know. Research hasn't appealed to me the way clinical work appeals to me.
Maybe I haven't done the right kind of research yet.

Got a bunch of classes today. Some articles to read. Meetings. Life is
better outside of the OR.